Relationships are something I am not good at. I fall I like very easily. I find myself attracted to people because of a passion, purpose, and sometimes just because I find them cute. It has led me towards a lot of very bad relationships or just a lot of bad encounters for momentary pleasures. Moving forward, I need to be more focused on something true.
Part of looking forward, means realizing what you left behind. I use “exes” in my title, but in reality, none of the people I dated in the past were really my boyfriends even if I used the title a couple times. Heck, I sometimes wanted to bend the world to make things work, but in the end, I just wanted to stop the loneliness I felt without someone next to me.
Before Anthony, I never dated anyone. I had come out a year and a half before. I had joined the navy and returned. I had all these things happen, and he showed up in my life at a fraternity event that I attended. (I was not part of a fraternity, but merely hung out there). It was fast and loose at first, and then lies and jealousy ended it six months later. It marked my second longest relationship.
He was only 18. I was 23. I liked the idea that he liked me. We did have things in common besides the liking of erotic bits. He liked the cartoons I liked. He liked the same music I liked. It’s funny how much I realize in retrospect how much he was nowhere near what I wanted. His attractiveness was only in my head, and probably only because he liked me. His voice had a goose-sound, while he looked and moved like a puppet scarecrow. I heard from his last a few years ago when I apologized for heartlessly kicking him out with his (soon after he broke up with me) new boyfriend. Last I heard from him, he was engaged to a man in Sioux Falls. They lived together, and he had worked at a Wendy’s.
I️ met Andrew as soon as I moved to the New York area. We met on the internet. Three days later, we met in person. Andrew was the kind of guy I dreamed about dating back in South Dakota. He was tall. He had beautiful eyes and curly black hair. He also loved a lot of the same thing that I did. We talked about Avatar. We watched Doctor Who. We built characters to table-top game together with his roommate. He liked to drink and we did that en masse.
After four months, we had a conversation and jointly ended it. I did not want to do so. I really liked him, and it felt a bit wrong to let it go. I understood it. We had hardly gotten to really know each other. We went from ‘Hello’ to ‘Boyfriend’ in mere days. He promptly went on to sleep with his ex boyfriend of several years. That was the closure he needed there, and I in-turn was the rebound.
Andrew would not have worked in the long-term. He has a set group of friends he met in college. He stated to me outright that he did not need more friends. I think what hurt me more about breaking up was when I realized I couldn’t really trust him. We made plans to watch the finale of the Ponds on Doctor Who, and it made me incredibly sad when he watched it without me. We made plans. He did it anyway. Two years later, he all-but ignored me when we actually crossed paths during Pride weekend in Manhattan. He had a new boyfriend, and I was just in the past.
After Andrew, I went through quite a few quick dating stints. I dated Zack. Zack was a good guy, but he was my rebound and I wanted a friend. He wanted more. I dated Drew. The sex was great, but he had very low self-esteem and believed nothing good was going to happen to him. He told me that I was too good for him, and that ended my caring of that relationship.
The summer after Drew, I️ met Adam online. He had not had any sort of relationship with a guy for almost three years. I️ think in my head, I️ just wanted to be the guy to break that stint. I️ did. He got me involved in the party scene to a small extent. When we stopped seeing one another, we tried being friends. That blew up in my face, and I️ eventually needed to cut him out entirely.
Adrien and I met on Super Bowl Sunday, although I can guarantee he only had a small idea that the game was played earlier in the day. He was dancing to Mariah Carey at Duplex in the village. I️ went home with him and we fooled around. I mentioned Doctor Who, and he mentioned Sherlock. We instantly became friends.
Over the next few months, the two of us met up, fooled around, and went on with our lives. It ended fairly abruptly right after my 29th birthday. I mentioned we’d be dating for several months. His response was, “You say dating. I say hanging out.” He was not the one for me.
There were lots of things wrong with this. He was not forward with me about what we were, nor was I one to ask. He would have gotten me involved in a lot of negative things that I eventually got involved in on my own. He was a good person, and he’s now happily married as well.
The last two guys on the list are both Brian. My friends referred to one was Brian and Gluten-Guy. The first Brian, I met for a night of enjoyment. Instead, we ended up becoming good friends. Then he wanted to date, I did not. Then I wanted to date, he did not. Finally, we just kept fooling around and kept our friendship going.
Brian was toxic to me. We would get in these big fights. He would have belittling comments to say to me, and I would just go with it. In the end, I would apologize, and we would move on. It would not have been good to stay friends.
The last time I saw him in person, he said that I snubbed him. I apparently looked right at him in Grove Square in JC, and then just looked away. He proceeded to come to my job while I was working to tell me this. This was all during his boyfriends birthday.
The other Brian was a bad relationship waiting to happen. We met online. We talked for about a week, and then we met up. There was electricity between us. We made out at the restaurant I worked after hours. We then fooled around. He told me about his life. I told him how much I liked him.
When I went to New Orleans six weeks later, I slept with someone else. I cheated on him both emotionally and phsyically. I had told him how much he meant and threw that in the garbage for a night in the Big Easy. I told him about it. He called me a lot of nasty names. And then after meeting up again, fooling around again, we found ourselves moving in together.
Brian had a way of emotionally manipulating situations. He would get angry at me, and then not tell me about it. I️ found out why months later. We weren’t in a “relationship” but then when he’d fight he say were in a “Hybrid Relationship”. He had a negative field surrounding him where it seemed he did not want to be happy. He didn’t make the best out of any situation, and he never really opened up emotionally. I did make the initial mistakes. I screwed around on him. He never trusted me, but I still think he led me on.
We lived together for seven months. In month six, I had a conversation with my roommate about how he’s basically never going to be my boyfriend. That was what I was looking for. It felt like the emotions dropped away and Brian quickly meant nothing. I guess he was right about that, I never loved him. He like most of the others were placeholders for loneliness.
I️ only rehash all of these bad romantic relationships to actually strive for something better in the future. Each of these relationships bring me one step closer to something real and meaningful. I can’t really break down the pieces of the goods and the bads of each, nor would it really be fair to any of them. I am also incredibly biased being that they’ve all had relationships since me and I am the one sitting here looking back with a microscope of hope. I just hope that the co-star of my romantic storyline is out there somewhere and that I am heading in the right direction to be the person they fall in love.