I feel a bit alone today.
I’m thinking back about all the times when I wasn’t alone. Now, in truth, is one of those times. I have never been more surrounded by people who love and care for me. I have my core friend group back in South Dakota. I have my best friend in Houston. I have my roommate. I have all the people I work with and interact with at work. I have old co-workers who still wish to hang out and do things with me. I am far from actually being alone, but feelings don’t take that into account.
What am I going to do about it?
Well, obviously I plan on writing about it. I get this feeling a couple times a month. It’s like I am not doing enough for the romantic side of my life. I am not out meeting people. I am not interacting with other gay men in the area who might share my interests. Heck, lately, I haven’t even been going out and actively seeking the physicals aspects of a relationship. I am just focusing on all the other aspects.
It’s funny. One of the things I noticed about my life is that once I start focusing on the romantic aspects, all the other aspects become secondary. I no longer work as hard on my writing. I care more about getting out of work than actually doing the job. I push all these friends who are so close to me to the wayside for whoever it is I am currently dating. It’s like it’s romance or bust when I am not single, which shouldn’t be the case, and tells me a lot about myself.
This tells me that I spend a lot of time not being secure in myself. I lose aspects of myself when I am dating someone. I take on certain aspects I enjoy about them, and then delve deeply into them. With my last boyfriend, I started getting into Ru’Pauls Drag Race. I watched the Republican National Convention. I watched all of American Horror Story. Some of these things, I kept with after we broke up, but I took a more critical eye of them and found out what I specifically liked about them. Others, like the Republican National Convention or Conspiracy Theories, I roll my eyes now and laugh about.
I may feel lonely, but right now, I need to find security in myself. I need to be okay with my writing and know that it’s my future. I need to become a better bartender so that I do not need to worry about things in that part of my life. I need to situate myself to be equals in a relationship and that will change the dating game for me. I need to turn loneliness into love for myself which will make thins so much easier in life.
I am lucky for my friends and family. I am lucky for my jobs. I am lucky to be in this transition that I am in. Everything is going the way it is supposed to, I think. And that’s a feeling that I’m definitely willing to live with.