Looking back, it’s sometimes hard to see how much you have changed. There are some major differences that can happen in a year, which makes it easier on a superficial level. However, the smaller changes might be almost impossible to remember especially when looking back a year.
Last year at this time, I was talking with my ex-boyfriend for the fourth time. We tended to talk to each other, get into a fight, and then have a large separation period between the two of us. This had led to the dissolution of friendship with one of my roommates. He was a bad influence on me, nor was he an overall good person to have in my life. Nonetheless, I had to come to this on my own. It was not something someone could tell me no to. It needed to be me who came out on the other side of realization.
I was still working at the pizza place. Management was not for me, which I finally had to give up in late 2017. The money, however, was good. I could pay my bills. I could plan for trips. I could make a living for myself very easily. The stress however constantly weighed me down. I was constantly getting calls and text messages. I constantly felt like I was doing a horrible job because of comments my boss made and a more than healthier helping of my own anxiety. It was a great place to work overall with a great boss (regardless of the commentary on my work), but it was not a place for me. I really did not know that at the time.
I was not really writing. I have had a lot of ideas over the years. I tend to always have some sort of notebook with me, but I never complete anything. I tend to take a few notes, or start writing something and then I tend to let it pass off into obscurity. I write stuff for the game with my roommate, but I would allow, sometimes, weeks to go between the posts I did. It left me wanting a lot, but not having the time to really commit to it because of work.
I was actually really unhappy. I was single. I was working hard, but still feeling like I was just spinning my wheels. I spent a lot of time drinking when outside of work. I was doing no exercise consistently. I was keeping afloat in the middle of the ocean and saw no sign of happiness in sight. I don’t remember when I decided to start swimming, because at least then I go somewhere, but I know it wasn’t in 2016.
The new year came around, and it started with a let down from said ex. I should have expected it, but nonetheless I did not. As the new year approaches, I will not let it happen this year again. I have a new me on the horizon that I love and respect, and each day I take one step closer to get there. It’s good to see how far you’ve come sometimes. It just shows how much further you can go if you will it.