Finding my truth is something I am not exactly comfortable with. I don’t know if a lot of people will actually understand it. Let’s start by talking about how people see me. Most people know me from behind a counter. They see me interacting with people with a smile on my face, joking, and laughing. I can make anything into some sort of innuendo, but I’m a nice guy (or at least I try to be). Now, delving deeper there’s a large reason why I am like this. It’s one of two simple truths about me that I have trouble dealing with. The first is… I’m nervous.
I never had a lot of friends growing up. Now, it seems like I am constantly finding new friends while holding on to the old. I have this core group of people that I love and adore, while new friends come into my life and I have the same passion for new experiences and new stories with them that I have had in the past with my old friends. Unlike me of the past, I’m also keeping people close. I’m thinking about them and wanting them to succeed beside me. That wasn’t always the case.
Currently, I don’t talk to regularly with anyone from the first eighteen years of my life who isn’t family. Sure, I have a few of the people I went to school with on my Facebook, but outside of one particular person, I know nothing of the day to day lives of anyone I spent the majority of my early life with. I wasn’t really myself then, or maybe this nervousness comes from the fact that I’m trying to hide the fact that THIS isn’t my real self and that is. You see, I was a follower. I wanted to fit in and be someone that people liked. I wanted to be a cool kid, but failed miserably at it. I didn’t like sports. I didn’t really like the cool kids. I just wanted to be accepted.
Now, it seems like I have no problems with this. However, the nervousness creeps in and I think it’s all about to come down. I am going to be the butt of this huge joke, and everyone is just going to point and laugh at me. I am going to have to hide away again in my bedroom and search out for like minded people on the internet whom I never really meet. I’ll be alone and the sadness that I run away from constantly will creep back into my life.
I was going to say “I’m broken” as my second truth, but I don’t think that’s true. I think it comes down to the same thing that makes me nervous. I’m afraid of loneliness. I’m afraid of that feeling deep within your gut that makes you doubt everything around you. I’m afraid of always being the only person to stare back at me in the mirror and no one coming up behind me to hug me. I’m afraid of walking the city streets alone and only experiencing the same things over again because I have no one new to take me out of my comfort zone. I’m afraid o giving in to the pessimism that comes in those moments and just allowing it to fester.
I fight really hard to move beyond the nervousness. I try to make peace with the fear of loneliness, but it’s a battle that always rests on the edges of my eyes. Like if I don’t turn fast enough towards it, it will creep up and overtake me. It’s lingering. Optimism keeps me from allowing my truth to take hold, and maybe with help it can be a thing of the past. Thirty-one years of nervous fear of loneliness is hard to break.
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