I started by writing this that I did not have any loose ends. It was an interesting thought. I was going to go on about how I write a lot, and in recent times, I have been working on a lot of projects that are in various stages. It’s hard to finish one thing in a single day. I had nothing else that I needed to tie up. I was definitely lying to myself. Instead, I realized an emotional loose end that I needed to tie up.
Not too long ago, I made a comment while we were out. I got stabbed in the finger and started bleeding. It didn’t really hurt, but I made the joke about ‘I liked getting poked just not like that’. One friend smiled, while another friend laughed a bit awkwardly with me. He then proceeded to say that it made him uncomfortable and to not say things like that.
The set-up to this was simply that one of the friends was gay and the other was not. This rubbed me the wrong way. It felt repressive. It felt like I was back in a world where I needed to be careful about what I said. I could not let it go mentally when I thought of it. Then, I avoided hanging out with this friend for a while because of it.
It’s one of those things that brought me back to South Dakota in terms of mentality. I felt the need to use gender neutral pronouns with new people, because I was not sure how they would respond to someone being openly gay. No one ever seemed to notice the odd pronouns. It was walking on eggshells throughout life.
I did not even notice I really did it until I went to New Orleans with Joel. I went into the gay bar and met other people like me. They conversed with me. They talked about their boyfriends. They talked about sex openly. It was something completely knew. It was something that I’d only done with Joel in the secret of my bedroom back home, or done with boys at their homes. It was like a weight lifted off my chest. I could just have fun, and I could be me.
The mutual friend basically has been pushing me to converse about this. I have avoided it, partially because of fear, and partially because I don’t like confrontation. When I really had to think about tying up loose ends, this was the one thing that I knew I needed to do. So, today I sent out a text to him.
As an aside, I do not tend to see homophobia everywhere. I let a lot of things go, and perhaps I shouldn’t. I should confront people more openly and honestly, but I pick my battles to those closest to me. I don’t know this is going to end, but I did put it out in the universe to tie this up. It’s not something I really want to think about. At the very least, I dealt with it. It is out there and the ball is no longer in my court to be dealt with.
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