I am unbalancing myself. I can feel it and see it. I have done a few things I know I shouldn’t have done, but knowing you’re off balance is the first step to actually balancing yourself again. These few days in New Orleans, I have spent quite a bit of money. It’s alright. I don’t really mind. I can always make more money. I can pay off my bills. I can step up when I get home and begin to ‘right’ everything. I also drank a bit too much. I was not horribly drunk by any means. I had an awareness about myself. I just am a little unbalanced in terms of taking a step forward. I still feel a bit like I am backsliding.
It’s very weird to be back in this city. I am changing the way I think. I am changing the way I work. My friend refers to it as evolving. I think this is the case, but this city holds like this imprint of the person I used to be. It reflects it back in my direction. And I latch back on to this narrative that I am rewriting.
I noticed it my first day here. I waked down Bourbon Street with my two friends. The crowds of people massing down the street. Intoxicated people were tripping over each other. They were bumping into each other. They were having this merry time. And I felt completely out of place. How is that reflecting back at me? That was me. My mind was instantly telling me that this isn’t what I wanted. This was not who I was. Yet, I still started drinking and got a little bit rambunctious on the dance floor.
You see, I love the energy of the dance floor. I like the feel of your body moving in sway with the music. I like the tightness of the people around you, bumping and grinding. I like the fog machines pushing that condensed air out onto the dance floor. I like the touch and feel and sexuality that comes with dancing closely with someone. The mystery of who they are. It’s like a story playing out where you don’t know the beginning or the ending. It’s fun. Then, it’s all over when the lights go up. Hell, I spent hours last night dancing mostly by myself and had a great time. But, it’s a weird feeling because of how tied that is to being inebriated. It’s what puts the fog on the edges and what makes the confidence rise. That person no longer represents me. And it threw me off how alluring it is. And spending money and throwing money around like its nothing plays into that.
I have spent a lot more money than I anticipated on this trip. It isn’t an obscene amount, although it’s quite a bit for only having been here now for two days. It’s that poverty mentality of getting all the experience, all the things, everything you want, when you have the money. No one can take it away if you spend it all. It leaves you feel really poor. It leaves you having things but no real security. I feel like I’ve been doing that plus showing off a little bit. It’s kind of silly, and also not the person that I am evolving into.
Today, I am going to try to rebalance myself and set myself up for success moving forward. I will still have fun. I will still go out. I have things I can do with little to no money being spent. I just need to make sure that I am setting myself up for success instead of trying to be something or someone that I am not. It’s not an easy thing to do, and I knew that it was not going to be easy. It’s the path I am on, however, and it’s the one that’s putting me in the right place mentally, physically, and professionally. So, I will put in the work and keep my positive attitude and positive energy flowing.