Day Four – Looking

I am single. This is fact I am reminded of constantly when I hang out with my closest friends. The majority of them are in long committed relationships while I have been out there throwing around my body to whatever poor soul doesn’t resist. It’s an interesting being the single one in a group of friends. You get to be their eyes to the world in some extent and the one to tell the outrageous stories of dates and one night stands. I don’t know however what I’m looking for or who at this point.

The relationships that I am surrounded with range from 13 years to over 30. They’re all fantastic. My closest friends here have been through so much together and remain incredibly adorable. My old boss back home has an unrealistic fairy tale of a relationship with his mind that glows so much warmth when you’re around them. And I just sit back and converse, drink, and have fun out and about with them. But it does make me wonder a lot about my own future in terms of a plus one.

You always look back when thinking of the future, and although I have considered a few people boyfriends in the past, I can’t actually say I have been in an adult relationship. Part of it is because I wasn’t an adult, or at least, I didn’t act like an adult. I was in the relationships for all the wrong reasons. I was not ready to commit to anything.

Legally, I have been an adult through all my relationships. But, I don’t think I hit adulthood until a couple months ago when I really begin to take control of the things in my life. I acted childish, stubborn and more than a i compassionate. I now think that going into a relationship, you need to have most of yourself figured out. You’ve gotta be read to go in as an equal.

I wanted something from every relationship which doomed it from the start. I think the biggest thing was I wanted someone to talk to. I had a tough childhood and not a lot of friends. I’m not going to get into the whys but needless to say I have always wanted someone to pick I the phone when I called. The thing about a relationship is, I think, all the things I wanted should be byproducts. Great conversation, sex, love, and appreciation are all things you get and expand upon. At the end of the day, you have to be okay by being alone. You have to be okay with quiet. You need to be okay with celibacy or pleasing yourself as it were. You need to love and appreciate yourself. It’s when you need those things from someone that it becomes hazardous. And that’s never a good start.

I’m not ready for commitment, or at least, I haven’t been ready for commitment. I’m not sure I’m still ready for commitment. It’s something that I’d have to be dating to find out. It’s something that I’m still figuring.

I don’t really know what I am looking for when it comes to my partner in crime, and it’s taking me a long time to realize that I don’t have to know. I realize I am not ready for a relationship. I am open to it, but right now, I have great friends who show me appreciation with loving mockery and sarcasm, I have a sense of self I’ve never had before, and I honestly have a bright future by myself. If someone eventually finds their way beside me, well, that’ll be great too.

Right now, I guess I’m not really looking for anything. Why do I need to when happiness is already here.

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, guy, gals, and everyone else!

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