I have always found a certain symmetry in my life. In the past, if I treated someone poorly, eventually, it would come back to me. Yesterday, I wrote a story I felt compelled to write after seeing a few panels of the recent Detective Comics. In the panels, Stephanie Brown, daughter of one of Batman’s villains who became a hero, is shown a reality where she is not only a tertiary part of the bat-family but Batgirl, a direct member of the team. Spoiler decides to use this information to take down the enemy. This inspired me.
I wanted to write a story of an alternate reality where I was succeeding. The funny thing happened when I wrote it was all the pieces for me to be where I want are all in place. I’m just steps away from all of it. And it comes down to confidence, hard work, and a lot of luck.
Last night, while at work, it was almost like I saw a different alternate reality happen before me. It’s one where things weren’t going well, and the pain, the alcohol, and my ego just took me over.
If you didn’t know this about the former me, I had an abusive relationship with alcohol. I used alcohol as a way to vanish from the world. I used it to run away from whatever problem I pretended I had. I gave it a helluva lot of control over my life. And I am still picking up all the pieces that it caused me. It’s a history I have had, and I’ve put it in the past.
Watching this gentleman at the bar, I watched him drink a vodka after vodka. He ended up making out with three guys at the bar. He kept drinking and dancing. He ended up going home with a couple. I gave him a smile as he left, and all I could think of was that not too long ago that was me. And it’s a breathe of spaciousness in my life that it’s not.
It’s not always easy for me, working at a bar and around alcohol. I have cut back my drinking to about one drink a week. I taste things I make with straws and sips. I may have a cocktail when I eat dinner with friends, and then not have another one until the next week. It’s a conscious effort at every turn. However, I know the allure is still there. As much as people think I’ve moved beyond it, I luckily have, but it still worries me.
The other day, I sat at a bar in the city that I used to attend frequently. I had a drink earlier and as i stood there I went down the line of what I could order, what part of me wanted to order, instead I got myself a ginger ale and walked away.
I’m changing my narrative, but this is something I still have trouble wrapping my head around. I am still in transition. I will come out of this soon, I feel. I’ll be glad for a healthy relationship or, if need be, no relationship. My narrative no longer will depend on either.
It was in seeing this messy, drunk, alternate version of myself that made me realize both how close and how far it is. I’ll get where I am supposed to be and it takes one step at a time. It’s a strange thing. I’m heading in the right direction, and I have the ambition, love, and passion to make the brightest future possible happen. It just takes continuing to change this story for the best one possible, help others where I can, and build up this world into a better place a little bit at a time.